You might think you’re helping, but you’re actually being a jerk

I don’t know what it is about me, but I’m a magnet for unwanted advice. I’ve had complete strangers walk up tell me what I should be doing. Not to mention all the people who know me and feel the need to spout their personal opinion about how I should act, walk, talk, etc.

Does this happen to you at lot? No? Maybe it’s just me, then.

But I bet you’ve had someone give you advice or try to help you when you really didn’t want it. But if you’re a nice person like me, you probably kept your mouth shut and smiled and thanked them (instead of telling them to mind their own goddamn business).

Don’t get me wrong, helping people is great. I read articles on the interweb, and I read Facebook posts, and I know that I should reach out to others. Whether it’s depression, introverted-ism (is that a word?) or just plain ol’ pride, there are people in trouble who need help and they’re not going to ask for it.

I don’t want to diminish the fact that there are people who need help and don’t ask for it. I believe that is true, to the bottom of my soul.

But I also believe that there are times when people just do not want help, and unfortunately, they get it.

Wrap your head around this: just because you’re a human being, doesn’t mean it’s your solemn duty to tell everyone else what to do.

Even if your advice is non-destructive. Even if your intentions are good. Even if you’re actually right.

What’s wrong with helping? Seriously, what?

Well, there are a few things. First, it’s difficult to tell whether someone actually wants help without them telling you. Sure, you can take a pretty good guess. But it’s a fact that you cannot know what someone else is thinking — ever. No exceptions.

Trying to help someone who doesn’t want help isn’t just futile — it can have other negative effects.

Here’s what can go wrong when you’re trying to help people who don’t want it.

· Embarrassment. This happens when you assume that you have some sage advice and try to help someone out. Only to find that you’re not even close to qualified to give them advice. Picture trying to explain to someone the proper technique for bowling, only to find out she’s a world champion bowler. Nice one.

· Stick to your role or draw wrath. Unless you are a coach, a trainer, an expert, or the king of a country, keep your damn mouth shut. Being the boss when you’re not the boss makes you look like an asshole and pisses people off.

· Helping someone so you look good. Giving advice in front of everyone isn’t called for. Even if you’re not intentionally doing it, you’re making yourself look good and the person you’re giving advice to look like an ass. Don’t give unsolicited advice publicly unless you’re in the role (remember I just mentioned that?) of an expert or coach.

· Giving advice makes the receiver feel incompetent. I know, I know, dishing out help or constructive criticism isn’t meant to hurt feelings. But you’re dealing with humans here, and (shockingly) not everyone’s reached a place where they can be totally objective. When someone’s trying something new, don’t do it for them. Just let them struggle. It’s called learning and it’s a good thing.

· Disappointment. With this learning thing I just mentioned, it’s inevitable that struggling will happen. And some people look forward to the struggle — it’s a challenge! Unfortunately, those same people are probably too nice to tell you to shove it when you offer to help. And then they miss out on their chance to try something new or practice a new skill. That’s disappointing, and not just for them. For you too, because they’ll be avoiding you and your “help” now.

Screw the golden rule

Minding our own business is pretty tough when everything’s up there on Facebook for everyone to see. So now we need to try extra hard not to stick out noses into other people’s lives. Try to respect people’s lives a little more.

And what I mean by that is, when it comes to giving advice or helping, respect someone’s right to NOT be helped.

But wait! I’d want someone to help me out if I were in that situation. Shouldn’t I do unto others as I’d like them to do unto me? Like the golden rule?

Well, here’s another rule — a better rule.

Do unto others the way they want to be done unto.

Get the difference?

You might not understand why someone would prefer to be lost rather than ask for directions. It’s the stupidest thing in the world! A waste of time and energy. And so inefficient.

But here’s the thing — you don’t have to understand it. All you have to do, is respect that person’s right to be lost.

Maybe they’re the kind of person who doesn’t want someone to rescue them. They don’t want to talk to strangers. They want to figure it out themselves so they can maybe, finally, learn how to read a damn map.

What they actually want if for you to mind your own business (and probably stop staring at them too).

So next time you see a someone bungling up a presentation, studying a map in the middle of a train station, or just plain trying something you think is stupid — shut your mouth.

Promise me you’ll stop and think for a moment — just a moment — about whether they really need help from you or not.

And then instead of jumping straight to the rescue, make a conscious decision to either offer your help or leave them alone.

That’s how you do it without being a jerk.